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How it Happened - My Story


I was born in the wagon of a travellin' show, on the grassy slopes of Kilimanjaro in the March of 1964, it was a comfortable birth for "mummy" in fact I don't' even think she was there! Here I spent my formative years, in the Jungles of Africa having to fend for myself, while my Mother used to dance for the money they'd throw and Father did whatever he could, usually telling bible stories for a good Doctor, that is, until he struck gold, well carbon actually, and found a diamond mine. I flourished in the heat of the Tropics, picking up skills like fishing with bare hands and out sprinting cheetahs from a standing start, not bad for a two year old!

On my return to England I attended boarding school at Eton, where I soon realised that wearing loin cloths was not a good idea, besides the tie clashed with lion skin. As soon as I mastered the art of speaking things started to improve and I finished top of the class in every subject apart from acting, which I thought was just one drama after another.

On arrival at Oxford I was approached by the KGB, and after realising they didn't' want me to sell chicken, told them to come back next year when I found out where the Mother Land actually was. In the mean time I discovered that if you try hard enough and really put your mind to it, you can achieve many things, like putting your mouth around the open end of a Guinness pint glass (and drink it).

The photography started when a cute girl named Claudia, who sat next to me in woodwork class, asked me to take some snaps of her so she could send them back home to Germany. I found out I was quite good at it, others started hearing of my budding reputation and it became really cool to be shot by me. Things got quite heated at times, with them screaming "take me, take me" I had to control myself I can tell you, it was a good job I had lost the loin cloth. I remember saying "Angelina, Uma you surprise me! please calm down, Miss Diaz please put your clothes back on".

No one knows what happened to these three, but my credibility soared and soared and after getting 3 firsts at Oxbridge, in Maths, Physics and Home brewing, I got a job in New York as head curate of the Museum of Modern Art. I found a place to live with a lovely couple called John and Yoko who had a spare room. John was a singer and musician and I learned a great deal from him, in fact without his help I don't think I could have had my first number one hit "Don't forget the yeast" which was very popular both sides of the Atlantic.

Working at MOMA I started to evolve my own art, people calling it unique and nice, it was not long before I had my first piece "A tree sloth on speed " hung in the cafe next door, one reviewer writing "see that baby climb". A man called Donald Trump snapped it up instantly, meaning I could work full time on my one true passion - building shacks, ho ho only kidding, my little joke, I knew I wouldn't get that one past you!

Anyway I digress, it was not long after this that I stubbed my toe badly and was out of action for many years, until now, and after rowing back to England ( I was lucky to come across a man called Cracknell who was going my way) I decided to show my art again with this new collection of work.

The Story Continues.

 

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